Yesterday I did something SUPER scary.
With my hands shaking, my voice ready to give out and my brain screaming NO DON’T DO IT!!!! I pressed the go live on my Facebook page, Smashlee Stitches.
I literally couldn’t breathe! For the week prior, I had been preparing myself. I was going to a Q&A called Ask Ashlee. They could ask me anything about knitting and I would answer.
I was FREAKING OUT! I wanted someone to stop me! I wanted someone to scream please don’t!! I even tried to weasel my way out of it with my life coach and she wouldn’t let me! I was stuck. I made a very public commitment and I HAD to follow through. The night before I couldn’t sleep. I had made a video reminding everyone about my Facebook live event. I was somewhat proud of the video. I sounded alright but, the lighting was terrible, I had bags under my eyes and my face was sunburnt. I had just got home from a mini vacation. I had been in the car for 5 hours. I was mentally exhausted. But, my soul told me to film. So I did. Because I made a promise to myself to listen to my soul. It knows whats up! However, that night as I tried to sleep.. the thoughts of doubt started to creep in.
“Wow I suck!” “Maybe you should have put make up on!” ” you look like your 90 years old who the F is gonna watch you.” I must have fallen asleep because all of the sudden I woke up in a somewhat panic. I grabbed my phone. It 2:22am. Ahh the repeating numbers. To me this means I’m on the right path and it will be okay. I also saw a comment on my video telling me exactly what I needed to hear. That I was a badass and I didn’t suck. I trust this person opinion so much and to read that made it all better. I could sleep.
Now back to Facebook Live. My biggest fear is was that I would be talking to myself. Had I done enough to make people WANT to tune in? As I pressed go live I waited…I froze… and then I remembered I had to speak. So I started talking and rambling and probably making no sense. I lost my train of thought a few times, I didn’t get my points across properly and I’m sure it won’t win any awards ever for its production quality. HOWEVER, I did it! I didn’t have to worry about people listening to me..because I could see all these people watching. My friends, no, my TRIBE, starting talking to me. They encouraged me, they loved me and they embraced my awkwardness.
30 mins later I was done. I was still shaking. I was overwhelmed. I was numb and I had an adrenaline high. It took me 2 more hours before I could eat. I was stunned. How did this imperfect video create so much love and gratitude in my soul?
I KNOW, there were haters out there. People that watched and turned it straight off. People who couldn’t stand the awkwardness and they left. Those aren’t my people but they are part of the process. Fear is also part of this process. Being yourself and living your dream isn’t meant to be easy.
My passion and love for knitting is so strong that I know this is my life path. I need to share what I know with the world. And as I create my empire and show up authentically , I will continue to attract supportive and like minded people in my life. I will grow my tribe.
So, to anyone who watched yesterday and to all those have supported me and also to those who DIDN’T support me. Thank you from the bottom of my heart! I will continue to grow because of all of you!
If you would like to watch the video please feel free to go to my Facebook page Smashlee Stitches. I will hosting another Facebook Live next Wednesday where I talk about anxiety and how knitting has help me cope! I would love you all to join me!
And before I go I want to leave with this… Do not die with your music still left in you. Wether your music is knitting, writing, or anything really. Show up, be scared and be yourself. Your soul will thank you.